the unfortunate tale of pip bernadette
by automailmercenary
Summary: pip bernadette, while in japan to forget about the uganden incident,ends up in the naruto world. M for future lemons, and pip's colorful language. Pipx pretty much every girl in naruto.


Pip Bernadette was drunk. Pissed. Of his face. Wasted. What ever you may call it, he was drunk. He had thought that a trip to Japan to forget the Ugandan incident would be a good idea. Then, his lieutenant just _had_ to go out drinking. The fool had challenged Pip (an alcoholic) to a drinking contest. Now, 8 beers and 10 nips of scotch later, he was stumbling blindly through a forest, somewhere outside town. A flash of silver caught his eye, and his instincts kicked in. He started to turn towards it, and then relaxed as he saw it was just a well with a strange plaque on it. It was that very moment that natures call came to him. He proceeded to walk to wards the fountain. He stood in front of it and undid his fly. His eyes flicked to the plaque and he read some of the characters. _Konoha…hmm. Sounds strange. _The dizziness he had been feeling all night suddenly overwhelmed him and he fell to the ground, his vision swirling. The last thing he saw was a fox, walking towards him.

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Pip was now regretting the night of hard drinking he had participated in. Pip hadn't even bothered to open his eyes yet._ Sucks to be me,_ the mercenary thought. But he was yanked from self pity when he heard voices over him. He opened his eyes to see a woman approaching him with some sort of throwing knife. His hand flew to the shoulder holster where his .45 automatic was kept. But before he could draw, the woman grabbed his hand with almost unnatural speed. This unnerved pip. He wanted to get control of this situation before it got out of hand. Pip pied up in Japanese, the language he had heard them speaking, "well gorgeous, I lik-" but his sentence was cut short as yuuhi kurenai kneed the Frenchman In the crotch. The curled up, muttering something about his manhood in between sobs. Meanwhile, kurenai examined the man they had found in the forest. He had a strange hat on, an eye patch and long blond hair, in a braid around his neck. These things made the ninja feel something was off. He had pale skin, and his eyes were very different from anyone's in the village. And, worst of all, he had flirt with her. He was going to die, slowly. But a small yip had stolen her attention. A fox had approached them, yipping at her. It went over to pip, and licked his face, then turned to her and growled. Kurenai was taken aback by this; the fox was defending the pervert.

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Meanwhile, the poor French mercenary was confused by this fox thing. He _hated_ foxes. The bloody things used to eat his rubbish back home. That was until he rigged a bomb inside the bin. They didn't come after that. He noticed the woman was distracted, so he took this opportunity to draw his weapon. He had just taken the weapon from its holster when kurenai turned around. Kurenai saw the lump of metal, and recognized it as a weapon. She decided to place an illusion on him. Se made the appropriate seals and watched as it took effect. It was designed to make the person relive their most painful memory. The once cocky looking stranger was now paling, and his eyes glossed over. The man started screaming and clutching his face, before falling to the ground. The other members of team eight were looking on in a mixture of fascination and horror. Hinata was almost crying. The man fell to the ground, and began screaming at someone.

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Pip watched as they took out his eye. His pleas of mercy had gone unheard. But the Ugandan man seemed to dissolve as kurenai took the illusion. Pip was still reeling from the assault on his mind. Kurenai, the genjujtsu mistress, was starting to wonder wether she had overdone it. But the pervert, as she had taken to calling him, got up, his knees shaking. The fox that had tried to defend the pervert was now licking his hands. Hinata started moving towards Pip, and she watched as he shrank away from her. but Hinata's kind eyes seemed to indicate that she was no threat. So he just stood while she checked his vitals. "…h-he's a-al-alright sensei." She said. "Tie his hands" kurenai ordered. Kiba, who had been watching, nodded and tied his hands. Pip gave a weak chuckle. "I never really been the bondage type, but I'll be glad two make exceptions with you two fine looking woman around". kurenai glared and Hinata blushed.

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Anko watched as her best friend escorted the strange man through to the hokage tower. By the look on kurenai's face, it would appear the man with the smirk was flirting with her. _I'm going have some fun with this pervert…_ the ever sadistic Anko Mitarashi began to plot on how cause the man with the smirk great, great pain. But as she thought, time escaped her, and was jolted to reality as kurenai began running towards her. As she turned to face her friend, Anko was worried by look on her friends face. "….ahh, are you ok?" she asked. Kurenai just burst into hysterical laughter. "I'VE NEVER BEEN BETTER!!! I'M JUST FREAKIN' TERRIFIC!!!!" Kurenai yelled, grabbing the attention of numerous passer bys. Anko began to put two and two together. "Is it about that strange man.?" Anko asked. Kurenai gave Anko a glare that could make orochimaru shiver. "That…pervert is…is…" kurenai muttered. "Yes, the pervert is?" and then Anko got an answer. "He's staying with me…" she said, looking like she was going to cry. Anko got up from her chair, grabbed her friend and shook her. "it.will.be.all.right." she said. She started smiling. "Anyway, I have a plan…." Anko said, with her best evil grin.

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In a small konoha apartment, a Frenchman sat, pouring glass after glass of something alchohlic. Pip didn't know what it was, he just went by smell. _Uh-huh, so red-eyes has booze. Now to find a glass. _Pip may have killed people for money, but he would not drink from a bottle. He thought that was a sign of stupidity. He had just finished his 8th glass when "ol' red eyes", as he had taken to calling her, cam in with a purple haired woman wearing something that made pip very attentive. "…well, 'ello there, who's…hic…your…hic…friend?" kurenai and anko smiled sweetly. Too sweetly. _The pervert found my stash…I'll kill him! _Kurenai thought as she observed pip trying to hit on Anko. "So…hic …ever been…" but pip's slurred sentence was cut short as Anko slapped him to the ground. "BAD BOY! Don't speak unless your mistress commands you!" Anko yelled, grinning like a maniac. _This wasn't the plan! _Kurenai thought. The only thing going through pips mind was _WTF!?! What the hells with her?!? _Anko straddled the disturbed Frenchmen and slapped him. "Uhh…Anko, what are you doing?" kurenai asked her friend, concerned for her mental health. "Ohh, nothing…" she replied in her best 'I'm innocent' voice. "Get off me!" in the argument no-one had noticed pip drawing the combat knife from his boot. He had the knife held to Anko's throat. But instead of scaring her, it, for lack off a better phrase, got the deranged woman aroused. "…mmm, kinky…." She purred. Pip just stared in disbelief. _I'm holding a friggin knife to her throat and she getting horny?!? What's wrong with her? _Pip was running out of ideas. But there was one that he had yet to try. He grabbed anko towards him, and began kissing her passionately. Anko just stared like a stunned mullet as pip sucked face. If kurenai was angry before, she was FURIOUS now. She reached for a kunai when she noticed anko kissing back. She paused and thought. After deliberation, she determined the best outcome would be to KILL Pip (she learnt his name). Pip had noticed the knife in kurenai's hand, and was trying to scramble away from her, but not dong very well, as Anko was still attached to him. Kurenai, in her murderous rage, failed to notice the rather large electrical cord running along the floor. As she moved towards him, she suddenly found herself on top of her best friend. "Uhhh…s-sensei?" a small pearl eyed girl got their attention.

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Hinata watched as the stranger and anko made out on the floor. As she turned to look away, she saw her teacher approaching the two, with kunai in hand. But, to her surprise, she seemed to join Pip and Anko on the floor. It was then that she decided to make her presence known. "Uhh…sensei?" she said timidly. All three turned to face this new arrival. Pip was the first one to speak "…err, it's not what It looks like?" Kurenai glared and Anko grinned seductively. Hinata felt something on her face and observed that she had developed a nosebleed. Pip got out from under the woman and looked around for the alcohol he had found. "Where's…hic…my booze?". But kurenai got up and took the unidentified alcohol from the floor. "No…hic….fair, red eyes." pip said, slurring his words. But his eyes were diverted as he saw Hinata's nosebleed. "Hehehe. Someones a little turned on…" pip said. "SHE'S SIXTEEN!!!!" Kurenai yelled. Pip turned to her with a look of amusement on his face. "Hic...So?" he said, doing it to make kurenai mad (der). "I j-ju-just came to see how Bernadette-san was doing…" a small voice from the doorway said. Pip smiled at her. "Well, Môn chere, I'm…hic…drunk. Brilliantly drunk" he said. "This is why you are going to go to bed. NOW." Kurenai added. The perverted part of pip's mind went into gear. "Only if you…hic…come with me" he said with the stupidest smile on his face. Kurenai's eyes twitched for the hundredth time that night. "Bernadette-san, I do not think that I will ever get into bed with you. Now get to sleep." She said, trying to control her temper. "Not till you get in with…hic…me" he said again. "…FINE!! I"LL GET IN WITH YOU!!" Kurenai yelled at pip. If Pip was smiling before, he was beaming now. "I knew my good looks and…hic…and charms would win through…" he said. He took Kurenai's hand. "Where, where is the bed?" he said, feeling like an idiot. "huh. I'll show you". So kurenai showed pip to her bed. "This is where…we… will be sleeping." Kurenai said 'we' with great difficulty. Pip looked at the bed with distaste. "This…hic…isn't a bed!" he said with obvious distaste. Kurenai looked at the futon. "This is a bed." She said blankly. Pip said a few curses and took of his hat, jacket, shoes and shirt. He put the pistol from his shoulder holster in his hand. Kurenai observed that he had two more of those 'guns' as he called them on his person. She also noticed the numerous scars he had on his body. "Having a…hic…look are ya?" pip said, enjoying the woman's embarrassment. Pip began to make muscle man poses before kurenai stopped him. "No…let's, let's just go to bed." She said, hating the words. As they got in, Pip trying to hold kurenai while she was moving away from him. Kurenai shut her eyes and fell into a sleep, pip's arms around her. She felt Anko clamber in with them. She fell back to sleep in seconds.

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Pip was really, really happy. He had two women in bed with him. _Oh yeah…this 'ninja' shit is getting better._ But he was a bit interested, shall we say, when he felt 'Anko-chan' bite his ear softly. He fell to sleep after an hour of thinking about everything. But as usual, his sleep was plagued by nightmares. It was always the same one. It was his first action.

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"PIP, you son of a bitch, we need you to cover us!" his commander said. "Yes sir" he said, as he moved behind some sandbags. He loaded his AK-74 and looked towards his comrades, But the men they where fighting seemed to outnumber then two to one. He looked at one who was moving forward with a grenade. He aimed at the man, exhaled and fired. He watched as the man chest exploded in a red mist. _Holy fuck! I just killed someone! And, I feel…normal?_ He thought. He thought that after you killed someone, you feel different somehow. He just felt slightly sick. He looked up and saw his commander fighting a soldier with a machete. The machete wielding native swung the blade into the side of Pip's captain. He seemed to stagger for a moment, then started throttling the now weapon less man. Pip felt bile rise in his stomach but forced it down. Before he could finish the dream, barking outside the window woke him up. He got up, removing Anko's arms from his person. He moved groggily towards the window, a bad headache pounding away in his skull. He flung open the curtains, scanning the alley for a dog or something. Another yip revealed the animal's position. _It's that fucking fox from before!_


End file.
